TED | 教你怎么治愈心碎
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教你怎么治愈心碎
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Guy Winch
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在人生的某个时刻，几乎每个人都会心碎。想象一下，如果我们更多地关注这种独特的情感痛苦，事情会变得多么不同。心理学家盖伊·温奇(Guy Winch)揭示了从心碎中恢复是如何从一种决心开始的，这种决心与我们的本能作斗争，使我们的本能理想化，并寻找不存在的答案——他还提供了一个工具包，教你如何最终继续前行。我们的心有时可能会碎，但我们不必和他们一起破碎。
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00:12
几乎每个人，在人生中的某个时点，都会遇到心碎的状况。
00:18
我的病人凯西还在中学时就规划了她的婚礼。她遇到未来老公的时间会是在二十七岁时，一年后他们会订婚，再一年后结婚。但当凯西二十七岁时，她没有找到老公。她找到的，是胸部的肿块。她经历了很多个月的辛苦化疗，以及痛苦的手术，接著，就在她准备要跳回来约会的世界时，她在另一边的胸部发现了肿块，整个过程都得再重来一次。不过，凯西恢复了，她很热切地想继续寻找她的老公，她打算等眉毛长回来就马上行动。当你在纽约市去赴第一次约会，你得要能够表现出很多种情绪。
01:07
没多久之后，她遇见了雷奇，陷入热恋。这段感情完全是她所希望的那样子。六个月之后，在新英格兰度过了一个美好的週末之后，雷奇订了他们最喜欢的浪漫餐厅。凯西知道他要求婚了，她兴奋难耐。
01:28
但那晚，雷奇并没有向凯西求婚。他和她分手了。儘管他对凯西的关心很深──他真的关心过──但他就是没有爱上她。
01:39
凯西很震惊。她的心真的碎了，她现在又要面临一次复原。但在分手后五个月，凯西仍然无法不去想雷奇。她的心仍然支离破碎。问题是：为什麽？为什麽这个极度坚强且坚定的女性，没有办法去整理这些和她四年癌症治疗同样的情绪来源？为什麽有这麽多人试著从心碎中复原时，都那麽挣扎？为什麽明明这些处理机制能帮我们走过各种人生中的困难，却在我们的心碎时刻，完全派不上用场？
02:25
我私人执业的时间超过二十年，我见过各种年龄层、各种背景的人面临各种心碎，而我所学到的是：当你的心碎了，你平常所仰赖的那些直觉会一而再，再而三地引导你走向错误的路。你就是不能相信你的大脑告诉你的。
02:51
比如，我们从关于心碎的人的研究得知，清楚了解为什麽感情关係会结束对于我们能否继续走下去是很重要的。但，一而再，再而三，我们得到的是一个简单且诚实的解释，就像雷奇给凯西的解释，而我们不愿接受。心碎会造成非常戏剧性的痛苦，我们的大脑告诉我们，它的成因一定也是同等戏剧性的。那种直觉十分强大，甚至会让最理性、最慎重的人，都会想出些根本不存在的谜团和阴谋论。凯西深信，在她和雷奇浪漫之旅的过程中一定发生了什麽事，导致他对这段感情感到不快，而她变得执著在要想出原因是什麽。于是，她花了无数小时，在脑中回想那个週末的每一分钟，在记忆中寻找根本不存在的线索。凯西的大脑骗了她，让她开始了这场徒劳的追寻。但，是什麽强迫她投入这麽多个月的时间？
03:59
心碎比我们知道的还要更会在暗中滋生。这就是我们会重蹈覆彻的原因，即使我们知道这麽做会让我们感觉更糟糕。关于大脑的研究指出，脱离一段爱情会启动的大脑机制，和成瘾者要脱离古柯硷或鸦片这类物质时是一样的。凯西在经历的就是脱离。她的海洛因就是和雷奇在一起，但她得不到，她无意识的大脑选择用她和他的记忆当作止痛药，她的直觉告诉她，她是在试著解一个谜团，但她真正在做的事，是给自己注射毒品。就是这样，让心碎很难治癒。成瘾者知道自己有瘾。他们在注射毒品时是有自觉的。但心碎的人没有。但你现在知道了。如果你的心碎了，你不能忽略它。儘管衝动很难抗拒，你仍必须了解，你每一次的回想，你发出的每一则讯息，你花在社交媒体上追踪前任情人的每一秒钟，你都只是在满足你的瘾，加深你情绪上的痛苦，让你的复原变得更复杂。
05:20
度过心碎并不是一趟旅程。它是场战斗，而你的理智是你最强的武器。没有任何分手解释会让人感到满意。没有逻辑理由能带走你所感受到的痛苦。所以不用去找理由了，不要再等理由了，就接受你得到的理由吧，不然就自己编一个，然后就让这个问题安息，因为你需要那个结束，来对抗你的瘾。你还需要别的：你得要愿意放手，接受感情已经结束。不然，你的大脑会再给你希望，让你无法前进。当你心碎时，希望是非常有毁灭性的。
06:07
心碎，是操弄大师。它利用舒适当手段，让我们的大脑去做的事，和复原所需要的完全相反，这手段很强大。当我们心碎时，最常见的倾向之一，就是会理想化那个让我们心碎的人。我们花数小时的时间去回想他们的笑容、那笑容带给我们的感觉有多棒，及我们爬上山在星空下做爱的时光。这唯一的效果，就是让我们的失去变得更痛苦。我们知道这一点。但我们仍然允许我们的大脑陷在这不断重击的循环中，彷彿我们被自己被动攻击的Spotify音乐播放清单给挟持当人质了。
06:54
心碎会让那些念头出现在你脑中。为了避免理想化，你得要将它们平衡掉，做法就是回想起他们的皱眉，而不只是笑容、他们带给你多不好的感觉，以及在做爱后，你们下山时迷了路，吵得非常凶，两天都不说话。我告诉我的病人，编汇一份详尽的清单，列出这个人不适合你的每一点、所有不好的特质、所有惹你恼火的事，然后把那清单放在手机里。
07:27
一旦你列出了清单，你得要使用它。每次与病人会面，当我感觉到有一点点理想化或是最微弱的怀旧之情要浮现时，我会说：「请拿出手机。」
07:41
你的大脑会试著告诉你他们很完美。但他们并不完美，你们的关係也不完美。如果你想要熬过去，你就得提醒自己这件事，常常提醒。
07:52
没有人对心碎免疫。我的病人，米格，五十六岁，是软体公司的高阶主管。在他的太太过世五年后，他终于觉得准备好可以开始再次约会了。他很快就遇到了雪伦，接著展开热恋。一个月后，他们把彼此介绍给对方的成年子女认识，两个月后，他们开始同居。中年人约会不浪费时间。这就像《爱是您，爱是我》遇见《玩命关头》。
08:26
米格比过去几年来都更快乐。但在他们一週年的前一晚，雪伦离开了他。她决定搬到西岸，离她的孩子们近一点，而她不想谈远距离恋爱。米格在毫无防备下受到打击，彻底身心交瘁。许多许多个月，他几乎无法工作，结果他差点丢了饭碗。心碎的另一个后果就是孤独和痛苦的感受能显著破坏我们的智力运作，特别是在进行涉及逻辑和推理的複杂工作时。它会让我们的智商暂时下降。
09:08
但让米格的老师感到困惑的，不只是他的悲恸强度，还有时间长度。米格自己也对此感到困惑，且因此觉得很不好意思。「我是怎么搞的？」心理治疗时他这样问我。「什么样的成人会花几乎一年才能忘怀只维持一年的感情？」其实，很多成人都如此。
09:31
心碎，有著传统失去和悲伤的所有特徵：失眠、烦扰的想法、免疫系统失衡。有四成的人会经历忧鬱，且是临床上可测量出来的程度。心碎是一种複杂的心理伤害。它以许多方式影响著我们。比如，雪伦非常乐于社交，也非常主动。每週她都会在家中办晚餐会。她和米格会和其他情侣或夫妻一起外出露营。虽然米格没有宗教信仰，每个星期日他会陪雪伦去教堂，在教堂，他也被会众欢迎。米格失去的不只是他的女友；他失去了他的整个社交生活，那个支持他的社群，雪伦的教堂。他失去了身为「一对」的身分。米格了解到，这次分手让他的人生留下了一个大空洞，但他没有发现，留下的空洞其实不只一个。那是很关键的一点，不单单因为它能解释为什麽心碎这麽让人身心交瘁，也因为它告诉我们如何能治癒。要修补你破碎的心，你得要辨识出你人生中的那些空洞，并将之填补起来，我指的是全部的空洞。你身分中的空洞：你得要重新建立你自己和你的生活。你社交生活中的空洞：少掉的活动，甚至牆壁上把以前挂的照片取下后留下的空白处。但这些都不会有用，除非你能预防不要犯下让你走回头路的错误，不要一直去找没必要的解释，不要把你的前任给理想化，都不想想他们不适合你的地方，还沉迷在让他们像明星的行为与思想中，在你人生的下一个章节他们应该是多余的。
11:22
度过心碎是很难的，但如果你拒绝被你的大脑误导，且能採取疗癒的步骤，你就能显著地将你所受的苦降至最低。受惠的不只有你。和朋友一起时，你就更能处在当下，和家人更紧密，更不用说在工作上因为生产力降低而造成的数十亿损失，那是可避免的。
11:46
所以，如果你认识一个心碎的人，要有同理心，因为社交上的支持已证实对他们的恢复是很重要的。要有耐心，因为要让他们继续前进花的时间会比你预期的还长。如果你会痛，要知道这一点：这很辛苦，这是场在你自己脑中的战斗，你得要很勤奋才能赢。但你确实有武器。你能战斗。且你会复原。
12:16
谢谢。
The End
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00:12
At some point in our lives, almost every one of us will have our heart broken.
00:18
My patient Kathy planned her wedding when she was in middle school. She would meet her future husband by age 27, get engaged a year later and get married a year after that. But when Kathy turned 27, she didn't find a husband. She found a lump in her breast. She went through many months of harsh chemotherapy and painful surgeries, and then just as she was ready to jump back into the dating world, she found a lump in her other breast and had to do it all over again. Kathy recovered, though, and she was eager to resume her search for a husband as soon as her eyebrows grew back in. When you're going on first dates in New York City, you need to be able to express a wide range of emotions.
01:07
Soon afterwards, she met Rich and fell in love. The relationship was everything she hoped it would be. Six months later, after a lovely weekend in New England, Rich made reservations at their favorite romantic restaurant. Kathy knew he was going to propose, and she could barely contain her excitement.
01:28
But Rich did not propose to Kathy that night. He broke up with her. As deeply as he cared for Kathy -- and he did -- he simply wasn't in love.
01:39
Kathy was shattered. Her heart was truly broken, and she now faced yet another recovery. But five months after the breakup, Kathy still couldn't stop thinking about Rich. Her heart was still very much broken. The question is: Why? Why was this incredibly strong and determined woman unable to marshal the same emotional resources that got her through four years of cancer treatments? Why do so many of us flounder when we're trying to recover from heartbreak? Why do the same coping mechanisms that get us through all kinds of life challenges fail us so miserably when our heart gets broken?
02:25
In over 20 years of private practice, I have seen people of every age and background face every manner of heartbreak, and what I've learned is this: when your heart is broken, the same instincts you ordinarily rely on will time and again lead you down the wrong path. You simply cannot trust what your mind is telling you.
02:51
For example, we know from studies of heartbroken people that having a clear understanding of why the relationship ended is really important for our ability to move on. Yet time and again, when we are offered a simple and honest explanation like the one Rich offered Kathy, we reject it. Heartbreak creates such dramatic emotional pain, our mind tells us the cause must be equally dramatic. And that gut instinct is so powerful, it can make even the most reasonable and measured of us come up with mysteries and conspiracy theories where none exist. Kathy became convinced something must have happened during her romantic getaway with Rich that soured him on the relationship, and she became obsessed with figuring out what that was. And so she spent countless hours going through every minute of that weekend in her mind, searching her memory for clues that were not there. Kathy's mind tricked her into initiating this wild goose chase. But what compelled her to commit to it for so many months?
03:59
Heartbreak is far more insidious than we realize. There is a reason we keep going down one rabbit hole after another, even when we know it's going to make us feel worse. Brain studies have shown that the withdrawal of romantic love activates the same mechanisms in our brain that get activated when addicts are withdrawing from substances like cocaine or opioids. Kathy was going through withdrawal. And since she could not have the heroin of actually being with Rich, her unconscious mind chose the methadone of her memories with him. Her instincts told her she was trying to solve a mystery, but what she was actually doing was getting her fix. This is what makes heartbreak so difficult to heal. Addicts know they're addicted. They know when they're shooting up. But heartbroken people do not. But you do now. And if your heart is broken, you cannot ignore that. You have to recognize that, as compelling as the urge is, with every trip down memory lane, every text you send, every second you spend stalking your ex on social media, you are just feeding your addiction, deepening your emotional pain and complicating your recovery.
05:20
Getting over heartbreak is not a journey. It's a fight, and your reason is your strongest weapon. There is no breakup explanation that's going to feel satisfying. No rationale can take away the pain you feel. So don't search for one, don't wait for one, just accept the one you were offered or make up one yourself and then put the question to rest, because you need that closure to resist the addiction. And you need something else as well: you have to be willing to let go, to accept that it's over. Otherwise, your mind will feed on your hope and set you back. Hope can be incredibly destructive when your heart is broken.
06:07
Heartbreak is a master manipulator. The ease with which it gets our mind to do the absolute opposite of what we need in order to recover is remarkable. One of the most common tendencies we have when our heart is broken is to idealize the person who broke it. We spend hours remembering their smile, how great they made us feel, that time we hiked up the mountain and made love under the stars. All that does is make our loss feel more painful. We know that. Yet we still allow our mind to cycle through one greatest hit after another, like we were being held hostage by our own passive-aggressive Spotify playlist.
06:54
Heartbreak will make those thoughts pop into your mind. And so to avoid idealizing, you have to balance them out by remembering their frown, not just their smile, how bad they made you feel, the fact that after the lovemaking, you got lost coming down the mountain, argued like crazy and didn't speak for two days. What I tell my patients is to compile an exhaustive list of all the ways the person was wrong for you, all the bad qualities, all the pet peeves, and then keep it on your phone.
07:27
And once you have your list, you have to use it. When I hear even a hint of idealizing or the faintest whiff of nostalgia in a session, I go, "Phone, please."
07:41
Your mind will try to tell you they were perfect. But they were not, and neither was the relationship. And if you want to get over them, you have to remind yourself of that, frequently.
07:52
None of us is immune to heartbreak. My patient Miguel was a 56-year-old senior executive in a software company. Five years after his wife died, he finally felt ready to start dating again. He soon met Sharon, and a whirlwind romance ensued. They introduced each other to their adult children after one month, and they moved in together after two. When middle-aged people date, they don't mess around. It's like "Love, Actually" meets "The Fast and the Furious."
08:26
Miguel was happier than he had been in years. But the night before their first anniversary, Sharon left him. She had decided to move to the West Coast to be closer to her children, and she didn't want a long-distance relationship. Miguel was totally blindsided and utterly devastated. He barely functioned at work for many, many months, and he almost lost his job as a result. Another consequence of heartbreak is that feeling alone and in pain can significantly impair our intellectual functioning, especially when performing complex tasks involving logic and reasoning. It temporarily lowers our IQ.
09:08
But it wasn't just the intensity of Miguel's grief that confused his employers; it was the duration. Miguel was confused by this as well and really quite embarrassed by it. "What's wrong with me?" he asked me in our session. "What adult spends almost a year getting over a one-year relationship?" Actually, many do.
09:31
Heartbreak shares all the hallmarks of traditional loss and grief: insomnia, intrusive thoughts, immune system dysfunction. Forty percent of people experience clinically measurable depression. Heartbreak is a complex psychological injury. It impacts us in a multitude of ways. For example, Sharon was both very social and very active. She had dinners at the house every week. She and Miguel went on camping trips with other couples. Although Miguel was not religious, he accompanied Sharon to church every Sunday, where he was welcomed into the congregation. Miguel didn't just lose his girlfriend; he lost his entire social life, the supportive community of Sharon's church. He lost his identity as a couple. Now, Miguel recognized the breakup had left this huge void in his life, but what he failed to recognize is that it left far more than just one. And that is crucial, not just because it explains why heartbreak could be so devastating, but because it tells us how to heal. To fix your broken heart, you have to identify these voids in your life and fill them, and I mean all of them. The voids in your identity: you have to reestablish who you are and what your life is about. The voids in your social life, the missing activities, even the empty spaces on the wall where pictures used to hang. But none of that will do any good unless you prevent the mistakes that can set you back, the unnecessary searches for explanations, idealizing your ex instead of focusing on how they were wrong for you, indulging thoughts and behaviors that still give them a starring role in this next chapter of your life when they shouldn't be an extra.
11:22
Getting over heartbreak is hard, but if you refuse to be misled by your mind and you take steps to heal, you can significantly minimize your suffering. And it won't just be you who benefit from that. You'll be more present with your friends, more engaged with your family, not to mention the billions of dollars of compromised productivity in the workplace that could be avoided.
11:46
So if you know someone who is heartbroken, have compassion, because social support has been found to be important for their recovery. And have patience, because it's going to take them longer to move on than you think it should. And if you're hurting, know this: it's difficult, it is a battle within your own mind, and you have to be diligent to win. But you do have weapons. You can fight. And you will heal.
12:16
Thank you.
The End
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